Canada’s Secret Weapon
Campbell Alternative News
It has come to the attention of the President of the United States of America that Canada is in possession of a weapon so deadly, so dangerous, so evil, that it has been banned throughout the USA, and possession and transportation of the weapon can result in severe punishment under US law. This weapon is known by its code name, Kinder Surprise Egg, or simply Kinder Egg.
The existence of this weapon came to the President’s attention earlier this week, when Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, nearly caused an international incident by presenting President Trump with several of the extremely dangerous Kinder Eggs. Prime Minister Trudeau was immediately apprehended by Secret Service and charged with attempting to assassinate the President.
President Trump, however, had Secret Service stand down, as he apparently was curious about a weapon so deadly that it was outlawed throughout the United States. Trump said, “I found this very surprising, because I had never heard of these Crinkle Eggs and, as I am a very intelligent man and know nearly everything, much more than any other President in the history of the world. I strongly suspect that this was a plot by Obama and Clinton, those losers, to keep this important information from me.”
President Trump was apparently interested in getting a large supply of Kinder Eggs with the intention of dropping them on North Korea. However, Secretary of Defense, Jim Mattis, vetoed the plan, stating that, “It is too cruel. Plus we have reason to believe that Kim Jong Un already has a supply of Kinder Eggs in his arsenal and he is not afraid to use them.”
This made President Trump very angry. He said, “How did he get those Kindle Eggs? It isn’t fair that little Rocket Man always gets all the best toys first. He is a bad, bad man. Find me better toys or you’re fired!”
As far as Prime Minister Trudeau goes, he has been released from custody and given a list of more appropriate items to give as gifts to the President, to avoid future confusion. The list of approved items includes, the Glock 17 pistol, the SPAS 12 assault shotgun, the AR-15 rifle and the Uzi submachine gun.
With that incident behind them, the USA and Canada will soon be getting back to their NAFTA negotiations. However a new incident may be on the horizon, sparked by President Trump finding out that Prime Minister Trudeau was on his way back to Canada to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving. President Trump was heard to say, “Why is Canada having their Thanksgiving a month before we are? That is very unfair of them. If they don’t change that I may have to scrap NAFTA. They are being very difficult.”